not rated PG

RE Drama

2012-02-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

So I just found out that my RE has left the practice and has gone over to a new clinic. As a result I am stuck in limbo as I try to switch over while her/my former clinic are making it difficult. They are obviously upset about her departure and are choosing to handle it very unprofessionally and are intentionally impacting her patients' treatment, including mine. They have sent out communication and are offering discounts for her patients who stay. In the meantime, however they are taking as much time as they legally can to transfer her patients' files to her. Therefore, when evil AF arrives early this next week there is a very good chance that I will not be able to proceed this month because my file has not been transferred. Honestly the discount was a tempting offer to stay, however their bullying ways put a huge negative cloud over the place.

LAME. Very lame. We already missed December and January due to schedule conflicts (Xmas and then out of town). So the thought of sitting out another round when we are VERY ready to move but can't because of some jerks really stinks.

Sigh. I want to at least feel like I have control over the aspects that I should have control over- like moving ahead on the month that we planned.

My file that they have of course is quite thick. I faxed over my recent bloodwork/ovarian assessment results (which I happened to receive a copy of) plus my copy of November's IUI protocol to the new clinic today and have requested to move forward without the file being is there. The new office is very aware of the issues being created by the former clinic. I am a bit doubtful, yet hoping and that they make an exception about the file this month. This trying/failing/waiting is a bummer.

Fingers crossed for a green light this cycle.

Where will we go from here

2012-01-16T11:41:00.001-08:00

Thanks for your kind words & empathy during my last post. Daw.n & Whit.e Picket Fence in particular, you have been an ongoing source of support and I appreciate it. My blogging is on the minimal side and I have few followers- which I am ok with... It's the quality not quantity for me!

The anniversary of my baby loss occurs in December, just before Christmas- so that is always a tough time for me. I suppose I may always need to be aware of being gentle with myself and taking the time to process. This year also fell on the heels of a failed IUI, which is big let down.

We decided to take off the month of December mainly because of the conflicting holiday hecticness and having guests in town. It was actually a bit of a relief to have a somewhat forced break, as I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the holiday season. I'm noticing that I feel, and it seems the same with others ttc whose blogs I read, the need to keep forging ahead month after consecutive month with ttc. The loss of one month sometimes feels monumental, especially when advanced maternal age is a factor. As it turns out we have to take off the month of January too- but for good reason... a long-awaited vacation, and a tropical one at that. The timing doesn't fall during the exact optimal dates for ttc on our own, however we won't be in town for the sonograms/monitoring that preceed an IUI.

So this essentially self-imposed forced hiatus puts things at a standstill and is really making me/us take a step back. It's discouraging to invest yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and financially when the odds are not even in your favor. I'm trying NOT to focus on #s, rather just stay optimistic and keep up the hope. For your information, the success rate at my age 37.5 doing IUI + injectibles at my RE clinic is 20% for 3-4 cycles. We have one failed under our belt for this go around and we likely will not take additional steps beyond IUI.

Having one living baby does change the way that I feel to some degree. I don't feel as desparate this go around. I don't have the sense of fighting to the ends of the earth.. rather that we will give it our best shot within reason. It's tough for me to swallow that actually... I really, really, really want another baby, a living sibling for my son. And we have so much love to offer. But in the back of my mind I know that I have to be ready to be ok with however things turn out. I'm just not quite there yet. The reality is that I feel a little bit scared and quite uncertain about the future at this point.

At this time we are reevaluating our finances and things are going to be changing dramatically for me soon.. I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past year and half, for which I am so grateful. However, we've stretched ourselves about as far as we can go and the time for me to return to work is quickly approaching. My main concern about that is the stress of starting a new job and the inability to have flexibility with my schedule may get in the way of ttc. Because of my *advanced* age (ugh) I constantly feel like time is of the essence and I worry about taking too much time away from our ttc efforts and too many obstacles getting in the way.

To end this post in an upbeat way, it makes me happy that some of my blog friends are in a good place wherever that is in their journey- whether it's achieving their dream (S, who is expecting twin boys soon!) and those who have gotten themselves to a place where they are at peace with how things have turned out.

3 years ago yesterday

2011-12-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

Three 3 years ago this week, yesterday, marked the saddest day of my life. As much as I would not like to remember the exact date that we learned the devastating news that we lost our son at 21 weeks in utero, it is burned into the fabric of my being. My body and soul can not forget. This time of year is tough, with the holidays approaching- everything reminds me of our loss and the fact that our son Baby S is not here.

I am so grateful to have his brother Baby C here and all it takes is me looking at him to be so grateful. But my heart is so heavy today. Immensely heavy- it hit me like a ton of bricks today and I found myself weeping.

The grief of a mother or parent leaves such a void. No matter how much joy I have received there is still a sad spot in my heart.

Even though I think of Baby S every day, I rarely allow myself to feel sorry for myself. But today, I am sorry for his loss, sorry for us, sorry for his brother. I know I will pull out of this shortly but the grief weighs heavy right now. My heart is sad for all of the babies who are lost and all of their families.

BFNNNNN

2011-11-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

Aunt Flo has made her unwelcome visit this month. BOOOOO. Am I surprised? Not really.. Although I was trying not to pay much attention to how I was feeling physically, I was noticing that I was not feeling a single symptom during the past two weeks. (In my previous 2 pregnancies I had symptoms very early on). Am I disappointed? Indeed.. feeling a little broken, and frustrated with my body.

With the holidays approaching (and the crappy high expense of fertility treatments) we will likely hold off for at least a month. For now, I will focus on my sweet son who is here. I never lose sight of how fortunate I am to have him and that overrides any negative feelings. Also, in the coming weeks I am going to try to step it up with healthy eating and exercise/yoga, maybe acupuncture too- mainly for my overall well being. Could be tricky for me holiday time though.

Thinking of my blog friends and wishing you the best where you are in your journeys!

Chinese Good Luck

2011-11-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday and today we completed our IUI. I feel a lot crampier and more uncomfortable than I recall feeling in the past. However, I am glad to be done with that step. Tomorrow I start progesterone and baby aspirin. I hope the 2 WW goes by quickly- I plan to stay distracted.

Last night we ate sushi and following dinner we opened the fortune cookies they gave to us. DH's was kind of lame- I don't even remember now what it said. But here is what mine read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." :) I mean I'm not all that superstitious, but we instantly got a kick out of it. Also day 1 of the IUI (which my RE said is the more important of the 2) was 11-11-11... For the Chinese the date signifies good luck. The numbers rhyme with "one husband, one wife and one soul" in Chinese.

Obviously I'm not putting too much stock into all of this- but hey, I will take all the luck I can get!

Bring on the golden egg!!

Some things that don't change about infertility & next IUI

2011-11-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

Last month was month 10 for us ttc for another baby. I know that after 6 months without success over age 35, medical intervention is recommended. So for the past few months I've been back at the RE going through the preliminary steps (work-ups, bloodwork etc). This month is the first that everything is complete in order for us to do an IUI. That made last month the final one of ttc on our own. Although I've been dealing with infertility for over 4 years now, like so many others in similar situations- I've hung on to the hope for a miraculous bfp that we achieve all on our own. What a dream come true that would be- especially if it resulted in birth of a live, healthy baby! Unfortunately that didn't/isn't going to happen. I found myself having to take a little time to myself to finally and completely let go of the possibility that it might.

Other frustrating things that about infertility that don't seem to change are:
- people/friends/co-workers etc. constantly getting pregnant around you at the drop of a hat
- the $$$ that you start shoveling out the minute you pursue fertility treatments
- the fact that the process is all somewhat worrisome, anxiety-producing, and stressful
- people asking when/if i "plan" to have another baby

Having one of my babies in my arms to hold definitely makes me incredibly grateful that I have such a wonderful gift. I just needed to vent that other stuff here in a place where people get it it to get it out of my system (for now ;).

Moving on...

I'm on Day 5 of injectibles and it's looking like we'll trigger and complete the IUI later this week/weekend. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my focus on a positive outcome. However, based on my history of failed attempts and baby loss plus my age 37.5, the reality (and those darn statistics!) creeps into my mind from time to time. One main thing that is different for me this go around is that I have had a moment or two of questioning whether I should being doing fertility treatments again... I mean, I have one child after all and even IUI/injectibles is f'ing expensive. However, we want another baby more than anything and are clear on the path we are willing to take. I just hope and pray that it results in a positive outcome. We would like more than anything to give our son a sibling and add another child to our family. Fingers, toes and everything crossed! :)

Plans to proceed

2011-10-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you blog friends for continuing to follow my journey and offer support! This is the only place where I feel like I can be fully open and I appreciate your friendship immensely.

I finished my work-up this month. The results from my FSH & Estradiol testing were ok. My #s are in the "fair" range, just barely below the "good" range. Of course I would much rather have my assessment be categorized as "good." However, I am relieved to not fall in the "poor" category. Also, my RE did not discover any major issues. My infertility is "unexplained"- I believe a major factor to be my age, nearing 37.5

The lab that I went to screwed up my blood work, so I had to have it drawn twice... thus, we will not be able to proceed with any fertility treatments this month. It is a little frustrating to be delayed due to their error, but what can I do.

Our plan is to move forward next month with an IUI. I have mixed emotions at this juncture... I am ready to move forward as TTC on our own is (again) not working. However, going through fertility treatments is a bummer. Also, with my "advanced maternal age" (UGH!) and not the greatest track record under my belt with fertility treatments, I am going to have to muster up the strength to be positive and optimistic. IVF is not going to be an option this go around, so I am a bit nervous knowing I have only a few chances with IUI. For the past few months I have struggled a bit with some anxiety & depression. It's something I've dealt with in the past (mainly after the loss of Baby S- during which time I sought treatment/therapy). So far I have been able to keep things in check but I will have to continue to work on that as well.

So here's wishing us all the continued strength and optimism to soldier on in our journeys and achieve our dreams!

Partial update on 2nd opinion from another RE

2011-09-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

In my last post 2 months ago I recapped that after 6 months ttc and hoping that we would miraculously become pregnant on our own, I had a consultation with an RE that left me wanting a second opinion. The RE that performed our successful IVF with Baby C has moved out of State (we went to her after relocating 1 hour from our first RE) and DH & I don't mesh with this newer one's personality or approach. Therefore we are going back to our very first RE, whom we like and who did our very first IUI which resulted in Baby S (our son who very sadly we eventually lost at 21 weeks for unexplained reasons), even though she is an hour away.

I am partly through getting the 2nd opinion. Seeing our original RE was like a breath of fresh air. I was dreading going back to an RE office in general. And although I am by no means excited to be there, it is nice to see someone who we trust. We sat down and she thoroughly reviewed my history, including a long discussion about everything that has transpired over the past few years since we last saw her. She asked lots of questions, gave me the opportunity to ask plenty of questions, took notes, gave in-depth answers in a way I could understand... So different than the recent RE who basically took a mere few minutes to review my file and talked at me, not with me.

She did an vaginal ultrasound to examine my uterus and ovaries. My uterus is looking good- which is a relief, considering the polyp issue in the past and the fact that they can grow back. She didn't even feel it was necessary for me to have another sonohysterogram to check for polyps- which is good... one less step and also a money saver. She counted my andral follicles- and low and behold I still have a fairly good count. Afterall, my infertility has been categorized as "unexplained." I still need to have a blood draw to check my FSH, which in the past was in the ok/fair range.. although I am now 37.5 years old, so it has likely gone up. I was supposed to have my blood drawn on Day 3 last month, but was out of town. Since evil AF is here again this month, I will do the blood draw early this week. Also, we will do another semen analysis soon since at this point it has been a couple of years or more.

Thank you for any positive thoughts and support. This is the only place for me where people get it. I am sending positive thoughts to my blog friends at their various junctures in their journeys!

NOT a good RE appt

2011-07-13T16:27:00.001-07:00

So I visited the RE two weeks ago to assess my current status and get a recommendation on how to proceed with trying to get pregnant. Overall, his evaluation was not good. I was not surprised really, given that he stated some of my concerns before I had the chance to bring them up... that although my IVF resulted in our son, the results/numbers of the overall process were not ideal... ie. 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 3 embryos grew & were transferred. Also I am now one year older- 37. He stated right off the bat, before any discussion, that his recommendation was IVF w/ICSI.

The purpose of my visit was to collect information, and that I did. However, the appointment left me wanting to meet with another RE- primarily because I have yet to click with this particular RE and his style. This RE is the one that I inherited when my previous RE abruptly left her job and moved out of state right when I got pregnant with Baby C. After learning I was pregnant, I had my first and second ultrasound appointments with him and wasn't crazy about him then... Although not entirely his fault since he suddenly inherited me as a patient, he was unfamiliar with my history (hadn't even reviewed my file) and I didn't click with his interpersonal style at that time either.

The RE began this visit stating he had taken "a couple of minutes" prior to my appointment to review my file. I understand that IVF w/ICSI would yield the highest success rate for me. However, I don't feel that I had the chance to review/discuss my history and ask some important questions... For example, although my IVF #s weren't great, at the time my RE wanted to try a few more rounds of IUI- it was DH&I who chose to move to IVF. In other words, a little over a year ago the RE that I had believed we had a chance with more IUIs. Also at the appointment the other day, FSH etc was not addressed- just that I have done IVF and am 37. One main question for me is whether trying medicated IUI(s) would be worth a shot. If IVF is the way to go, so be it. But I'd just like to know that all info was considered and all questions were answered. At least thoroughly review my file please. Not so much to ask when they are charging the big bucks for their services, right!?! ;)

It's quite possible that a second opinion will yield the same results, and I wouldn't be surprised. Doing IUI after IVF might not make the most sense.. But DH & I would prefer to take that route if there is any hope. From my perspective as a patient and from my experience, it's a much less costly and less intense route. And for various reasons I'm not sure we would pursue IVF again. We all know how important it is to like your doctor though , and this particular RE- despite probably being effective at his job- is not the one for me. Therefore, I am going to see my original RE who is an hour away- but in the same practice as the guy that I saw the other day. The only reason why I didn't go back to her (RE#1) after losing baby S is that we have had moved to another town and she recommended RE #2. Still following? It's starting to confuse me too. :)But what I do know is that I click with her and she will be open for discussion.

Anyway, I'm still digesting the information I received. Please wish me luck with my appointment this Wednesday... I feel like I need it!! Thanks.

Here I am- TTC Again

2011-06-29T19:23:00.001-07:00

Hi, blog friends! I'm still out here following my blog peeps-- but I have let WAY too much time pass without posting. So it's time for a brief update from me on my rainbow baby, baby loss grief, and finally..I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to conceive again.

First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.

On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.

So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.

Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.

I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.

I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.

Just Checking In!

2011-02-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

Although I have blogged very little over the past seven months since Baby C arrived, I have continued to hop on here to offer support to others dealing with babyloss or who are struggling with infertility regularly. I think of my blog friends often, keep everyone's journeys in my thoughts and prayers, and celebrate others' progress.

The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.

This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.

My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from Em.ma's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."

This time of year

2010-12-15T17:19:00.000-08:00

The holiday lights, the weather, the music..everything reminds me of the loss of my first son. It was this time two years ago that his tiny body slowly died inside of me. That hole in my heart, which became significantly smaller with the arrival of my rainbow baby, feels wide open right now. My heart aches. My body and spirit feel heavy.

The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.

This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.

someone who could use thoughts/prayers

2010-11-16T19:00:00.001-08:00

First of all, I'm still here! Baby C just turned 4 months and all is well here. I am still on here mainly following blogs to offer support. I'm not ready to leave this community that helped me get through the toughest time of my life.

If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.

http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/

My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.

My rainbow baby

2010-08-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.

When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.

This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.

Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.

When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.

Weeks 1 & 2

2010-07-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the wonderful congratulatory notes! We are incredibly happy that baby C is here!! It has been a busy and exciting 12 days with him. He is teaching us so much and we are enjoying loving him to bits.

I was happy to learn the great news of the other rainbow babies that arrived recently!!! Congratulations again to you.

Although I haven't had the free hands to type, I have been keeping up on my blog reading and continue to do so. Still following your journeys and sending lots of positive thoughts and vibes to everyone ttc, dealing with baby loss and having rainbow babies. You all are never far from my mind!

Finally, here is a photo of our precious son. He has been a very good baby- very snuggly and sweet.

Big hugs to all!

Hello from Happy Baby Land!!! :)

2010-07-13T14:57:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, July 10th, 2010 at 9:59 a.m. we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world!!! He came in at a healthy 7 lbs 15 oz and is absolutely adorable.

I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.

DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.

I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.

Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.

Tomorrow is the day!

2010-07-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

Looks like we will be meeting our little on at some point tomorrow (Friday)!

Our due date was on Saturday, the 3rd. Early Sunday morning I started having frequent, consistent early labor contractions and have been experiencing them ever since. I've had 2 cervical exams in the meantime and am only dilated about one to two centimeters at this point. During our last appointment we decided with our doc to proceed with an induction tomorrow. At that point I will be nearly one week late and we are sooooo ready. It's been a long and uncomfortable week.

I'm excited to meet the baby and little bit nervous about the labor/delivery. I just keep reminding myself that we can do this! And what a blessing we will receive at the end of it all.

Sending lots of positive thoughts to each of you!!

I will update with more news as soon as possible.

Nothing to report- yet!

2010-07-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my due date! It is hard for me to even believe it. However, nothing happening yet... Just *trying* to be patient-- since I guess the baby will come when he's ready.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a safe and happy 4th of July!

Hopefully I will have some good news to update soon- and I look forward to yours too. :)

In 15 days

2010-06-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

In 15 days, it will be my due date. I sometimes think of my journey to parenthood as running a marathon. I am by no means a runner and have never attempted a marathon or other lengthy run. But I imagine it to be tough challenge- grueling and painful at times- yet one achieves a sense of euphoria at the end. Although I feel present and bonded with this baby, it is hard for me to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will be holding my precious LIVE baby boy. Most parents probably feel this way to a degree. However, I have been a bit guarded throughout the past nine months. The loss of my first son was so unexpected and difficult for me, that there is a small part of me that has been in protective mode. I am confident that everything will continue to go well, but am somewhat prepared for anything. For the past four months (once I got past our previous loss point) I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy, however not a day has gone by that I have not woken up and asked myself "did I feel the baby move last night?"... In other words, "Is my baby still alive?"

Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.

So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.

Thirty Six

2010-06-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

The number 36 is the theme for me this week... I'm 36 weeks pregnant- and my 36th birthday is this week. Wow- on both accounts.

Baby update: We were surprised to see at this week's ultrasound that he has turned head down! Our bi-weekly ultrasounds had shown him breech since week 21. So hopefully he will decide to stay put! There are some new discomforts that come with his new position. Even though he hasn't dropped, I feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis, so no more long walks. I now get up even more frequently in the night, from both baby's movement and the added pressure on my bladder. My back aches (especially when sitting up at a desk for extended periods). At times I get a sharp pain running from my left hip down my thigh, which is apparently due to the baby resting on a nerve. However-- these are all observations, not complaints. I am so grateful to be where I am right now with this pregnancy. Overall, I'm still feeling pretty good- just READY. I'm feeling and looking big- and the belly continues to grow. The entire front of my belly is numb from what my doctor says is due to the skin being stretched. I'm most certainly waddling instead of walking. And I can tell from the looks of people that I appear as though I'm about to pop. The little one is weighing in at 5 lbs 12 oz- so he should be between 6 and 7 lbs by our due date. I can feel the baby's little bum pressing out towards my left side and his feet kicking out on my right (ouch). It is pretty amazing to put my hands on him and know which part of him I am touching. I can hold his little butt in the palm of my hand. :) I am so looking forward to seeing, smelling and holding him soon!!!

My birthday: Blah! I'm not big on birthdays when it comes to my own. And I'm really not happy about the fact that I'm 36. The past 3-plus years have been dominated by trying to conceive, baby loss, fertility treatments. It has been a long journey. I am older than I would like to be for a number of reasons and wish I could set the clock back a few years. Oh well...C'est la vie.

Sending hugs and wishing for all good things to everyone on their journeys!

Head's Up

2010-05-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks (yay! getting closer- 6 weeks till my due date!). However, yesterday's ultrasound confirmed that the baby is still breech. I figured this was going to be the case as the baby's movements and positioning of his head (which I can feel on my upper left side) have indicated. It was seeming like it had been quite some time that the baby has been upright. My husband asked the doctor when our last bi-weekly u/s showed the baby head down- and it turns out he's been sitting up in basically the same spot since week 21! So apparently I have a baby who is quite comfy right where he is- or maybe he is stubborn like his dad. ;)

According to my doc, most babies start turning head down by week 34 or 35. At this point roughly 25% of babies are breech, but then the percentage drops to about 3-4% still breech by full-term. Not sure what this will mean for us, but I am stepping up the things that I can do to try to influence the bambino to stand on his head... pelvic tilts, swimming, back to acupuncture, etc. If he doesn't flip in the next few weeks my doc could perform a version. I am not keen about the idea of manipulating the baby and possibly putting him at risk of distress, plus the success rate is only around 50/50. So we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. The last resort will be a scheduled c-section about a week prior to my due date. I'm not stressed at this point, just doing what I can and waiting to see what happens.

Hope everyone out there is doing well! Sending positive thoughts to everyone ttc, grieving babyloss, coping with subsequent pregnancy, etc.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T10:18:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, the eve of Mother's Day, I thought a lot about my Mom and how amazing she is. I also thought a lot about the sweet baby boy that I am so grateful to be carrying.

Today is Mother's Day and my thoughts are with all of the Mamas who have lost babies and the ones who are trying to conceive. On this day I honor all moms, most especially those who have babies who are not here on earth.

Wishing everyone a peace-filled Mother's Day!

Eight and a half weeks to go!

2010-05-04T15:58:00.001-07:00

Only eight and a half weeks to go until our due date- I can not even believe it. It seems surreal, but we are very excited!

It has been a few weeks since my last update, so here's the latest...

I've had only had two doc appointments in the last 2 months. This was a change considering until now we've had bi-weekly ultrasounds. Although I missed being able to peek at the baby more frequently, it felt good to be on a schedule similar to a *normal* pregnancy. At 28 weeks, I started kick-charting at the same time each evening (for peace of mind). The little one has been moving around like crazy! Most days when I touch my belly I can feel a part of the baby and have been trying to figure out which body part I am touching. At my doc appointment this week, I learned that what I have been thinking is a head, back or butt is in fact the baby's head. I could see on the screen that baby's face has been filling out in the cheeks :) . He's 3.5 lbs now and at this point is expected to be around 7.5 by full-term. Baby is still breech, but will hopefully turn head down within the next month. I will have an ultrasound in 4 weeks to check the position.

Recently I was thrown a lovely, intimate baby shower. When the topic of a shower first came up a few months back, I dreaded the idea. For one, I am not a person who likes attention. Also, all I care about is bringing home a live baby. Nothing else matters to me. Expecting parents seem to often get carried away with all of the baby "stuff", so I wasn't embracing the whole shower idea. But- when I was ready, I decided it is important that I celebrate this little one with a small group of people who are close to me.

Lately I have spoken with a few other pregnant ladies outside of the blog world who are due around the same time that I am. It is interesting how typical it is to hear complaints about the discomfort of pregnancy and how "so over it" some people are. It is apparent that these women are likely not babyloss mamas or women who struggled with infertility. Of course everyone is entitled to and needs to vent/complain a bit. However, I've noticed that everyone I've met in the blogosphere seems to possess a much greater appreciation for simply being pregnant and has a deep understanding that the sacrifices pale in comparison to the gift of carrying a baby. I want to say to some of these people "seriously, things could be more difficult." But instead I quietly observe.

When I look in the mirror these days I can see that my face is looking more and more content. I can feel my heart getting fuller too. Yet there is that part of me that is always missing Baby S. He should be with us as we get closer to meeting this little one. It kills me each time a stranger asks "is this your first [baby]?" And I feel obliged to say yes. Baby S you are always our first child! We miss you and we love you, Baby S. Perhaps as my heart continues to become fuller, that hole in it will begin to feel less sad.. and more like something that is simply at part of me.

The things people say

2010-04-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

We've all heard comments about baby loss and infertility that sometimes sting us, right?

One of the many things that has been strange for me with this pregnancy is that EVERYONE (besides my wonderful obgyn) talks to me as though this is my first pregnancy. It's as though becoming pregnant with baby number two simply erased the existence of my first son, Baby S.

Throughout the second trimester, which I just completed, people who know of my loss would often give me a "heads-up" as to what to expect week by week. Apparently they erased from their minds that I carried Baby S 2/3rds of the way through the second trimester- so I knew the symptoms, the appointments to expect, etc.

The comments from people are sometimes strange to me. It is awkward navigating how to respond...

Them: You've made it past the first trimester, no worries now! My thought: Really? I lost my son at 21 weeks- and know people who have lost babies as far as full term.

Them: Are you enjoying pregnancy? Me: It took me getting past the 5 1/2 month mark, but now I am enjoying it as much as possible. Them: Oh, I know the morning sickness- it's the worst.

Them: This pregnancy thing is SO HARD (first-timer, instantly pregnant, no problems). My thought: Um, yeah. ??

Them: I am so glad my child will finally have a cousin! My thought: They ALREADY DO have a cousin: MY CHILD- YOUR NEPHEW- WHO DIED!!

Even though I'm sure some people haven't forgotten our loss, I'm pretty sure the outside world sees a rainbow baby as erasing the baby who was lost. In addition, although most people do not know the lengths that we went through to get pregnant both times, they do know that it was difficult for us both times. Yet still friends around me constantly talk about getting pregnant as though it's something that is accomplished on-demand, exactly when and how one wishes. "We are going to conceive this summer." "We plan to have 3 kids, each 2 years apart." etc. Most of my friends have been very lucky in the fertility/pregnancy department, but clearly do not think that infertility is something that could possibly affect them.

The strange- at times painful- comments have been plenty over the past fifteen months. But I do want to end this post on a positive note and hang on to the comments from a few friends who somehow knew exactly what to say. I will never forget their words which comforted me.

After our loss, my dear friend Stacey said: "I want you to know that I loved your baby too." She is the only person who expressed love/care for our child.

My friend Amy called me explaining that her heart was breaking for me and she began crying on the phone. She is the only person (besides dh) who cried along with me.

When I shared the news of my current pregnancy with my friend Jessica she expressed her happiness for us, and also said "I'm sure it must be bittersweet." She is the only person who has acknowledged that we must miss Baby S.

Joy and pain

2010-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

This topic is one that is long overdue for me to write about. There is a certain aspect of infertility and babyloss that has changed me in a way that I am not proud of and it is something that I struggle to get past.. The pain that sometimes accompanies the joy of other people's seemingly easy pregnancy success.

This isn't to say that I am not happy for the vast majority of people out there who do not encounter fertility/pregnancy-related issues. I can honestly say I am truly happy for them to be spared any difficulties. However, there are instances when such situations sting.

I encounter this conflicted joy/pain emotion on a fairly regular basis within my own family. You see, while in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to conceive, both my sister-in-law (by the way, not at all a nice person) and my own sister became instantly pregnant at nearly the exact same time. I love their babies dearly, yet at times the joy of both families serve as a constant reminder of what- or I should say who- isn't here.. my Baby S.

It was somewhat disheartening at the time to learn of both pregnancy news (especially since my sister-in-law constantly mentioned that it was only their second attempt- plus they weren't even married). It was soon thereafter that I began infertility treatments, as planned, and I became pregnant with Baby S. He would have been 5 months younger than both of his cousins. From the moment the two became pregnant and in the year in and half since then all I have heard about on both sides of our families is about these two babies... the constant news/updates, photos, incessant gushing. I know all of their behavior is normal and would not expect them not to be joyous over their children. However, every milestone for them- first holidays, birthdays, etc.- would have been a first for my son too. So although these events do make me smile, they also bring with them some sadness for me. And again there is the added sadness that no one else in the room is missing my baby in those moments.

I realize this all sounds completely selfish. The only reason I even feel comfortable finally writing about this is because I have read about similar emotions on several other babyloss and infertility blogs. Otherwise, I would be too ashamed to admit that I ever feel this way. It does not feel good, and it's something I am continuously trying to change- and I do think I am gradually getting better about it.

Let the 3rd trimester begin

2010-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Friends, thank you very much for the cyber hugs on Baby S's birthday on Friday. It meant a lot, especially considering that you all are the only ones (besides dh) that I truly share my grief with. You all are the best! I had a good cry in the morning, then pulled myself together. I wondered if anyone in our families would remember the date. I thought perhaps my sister would and might acknowledge it, but she didn't. It was a reminder that dh and I are alone in our grief, and have been for some time- but I am coming to accept that. I am so grateful to have this space to go to where people understand and where we can support one another.

Today marks week 28 for me! I can't even believe I've made it to the 3rd trimester. I look at my baby ticker, which I put up after 21 weeks passed, and it is now in the double digits. The wee one is currently 2.5 lbs and at this stage has a chance at viability if (God forbid) he were to arrive early. He is kicking around a lot, which I love. I wasn't joking when I said I'm getting huge... I gained 10 lbs in the past month alone. Hopefully that was a growth spurt for me and the weight gain will level off. I have been overdoing it a bit with the sweets (hello, donuts! who even knew I liked you?) but am trying not to obsess- just grateful that the baby is developing on track.

At my appointment last week we had a very brief glimpse that the baby's face in 3-D. He was covering up most of it with his arms and legs, but it was sweet to see- and now I am SO CURIOUS as to what he looks like. I am tempted to go to one of those 3-D/4-D ultrasound places and pay out-of-pocket to get some pics. One thing that is tough about missing Baby S is not knowing what he would look like. So seeing this one is becoming increasingly important to me.

I've been taking some steps in preparing for this baby to arrive into this world. This morning I purchased the crib online (a gift from my parents) and we are signed up for our childbirth preparation classes this month. I feel Baby S with us in spirit as we continue in our journey- you are always on my mind and in my heart.

Hope you are all doing well and are having a relaxing weekend!

April 9th: Baby S's birthday

2010-04-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

My heart is a bit heavy this morning over what should have been today: my first son turning one.

I imagine a sweet and rambunctious brown-haired/brown-eyed toddler running around, but he's not here. Despite the fact that I am incredibly grateful to be carrying his younger brother, I don't think I will ever shake the feeling that I have a child who is missing from this life.

I will take a little time today to work through my sadness, and then plan to honor him in my heart with nothing but happy thoughts.

I miss you sweet boy and will love you and remember you always!

random musings

2010-03-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

1) The other day while checking out at the grocery store, the clerk asked me: "Have you checked your eggs?" I looked at her and busted out laughing. "Um, yes, I have." Immediately my mind had gone to MY eggs-- talk about all things fertility on the brain. After 4 IUIs and 1 IVF, I know way more than I ever wanted to about my eggies.

2) I am getting huge. Do I really have 3 months more of growing? For a few weeks now, I have been at the point where strangers will confidently comment on my being pregnant. Gone are the awkward in-between stage and glances by those trying to figure out if I am indeed pregnant or just fat.

3) For the past few weeks I have felt really good with this pregnancy. Once I passed the point where we lost baby S, it is like a calm came over me. Sure, I have days of anxiety. I am hyper aware of the baby's movements and do worry about things like a cord accident or another stillbirth later in the pregnancy. But for now, I feel like I am finally able to enjoy pregnancy as much as possible (hope it stays this way). I feel happier than I have in a long time and I feel it showing on my face.

4) Lately I am getting inundated by all sorts of unsolicited suggestions regarding baby registry, labor and delivery, breastfeeding etc. etc. My doctor had warned me of this and said to take it all in but that we will figure everything out on our own. Good advice. So I basically just thank people for their thoughts and move on. Honestly, I am so not concerned with what is the best baby monitor or swing, how many months are best to breastfeed, etc. All I care about is bringing this baby into the world alive and healthy.

sweet dream

2010-03-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

People often ask me if I have been experiencing any pregnancy cravings- ya know, pickles & ice cream, etc. I haven't craved much in particular- but I've definitely developed a tooth for all things sweet. Every day I have to have a treat, usually in the form of a little chocolate.

Throughout my second trimester I've been having very vivid dreams. Sometimes they are plain bizarre. A few times they have been intense/scary. Last night I had a wonderful dream about the baby boy in my belly- and I found it to be so funny. Here is what I dreamt:

I had just brought my baby boy home from the hospital. He was wrapped up like sweet little burrito in a pale yellow blanket. People were stopping by the house to see him. I just held him and stared at his face smiling at him. I was an amazing feeling seeing my baby's face for the first time. The baby in my dreams didn't look much like dh or I, but he was beautiful. He had soft, black hair, fair skin and blue eyes. I was in awe of how beautiful he looked and was so happy just gazing at him.

Suddenly, he spoke! The words "I WANT PANCAKES!" came out of his mouth in a child's voice.

I was in awe that he could already speak! And I laughed in my dream at what he said. Then he also proceeded to walk a few steps, which also amazed me.

Not sure what this dream meant, if anything at all, (maybe I should cut back on the sweet treats!) but it was surely entertaining. And I awoke with a wonderful feeling having had a tiny glimpse of what it might feel like to finally meet my dear boy.

the lonely grief

2010-03-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the toughest things about grieving an unborn child is that it is a lonely grief. Typically when someone in your life passes away, whether its a grandparent, parent, friend etc., there are others around you who share your grief. Difficult as any loss is, it is common to share memories and stories of loved ones- as well as share the burden of the loss. Outside of the babyloss community, it is so difficult to navigate how to grieve around others- if at all.

For me, it's been a private, lonely grief from the get-go. When we learned the news that at 21 weeks our baby's heart stopped beating, there were a few people who I called during those first few hours while in shock and tears- my parents, my sister, my best friend. When I came home from the hospital to recover, I became incredibly sick for days as my immune system was wiped out. I wanted to inform our friends and family and decided to do so in a brief email. At that point we were so heartbroken and I was very depressed. Messages of condolences poured in and we received a few cards and flowers. Eventually in the following weeks I spoke with my closest friends and family who called. But soon after our loss, our grief became quiet.

People around us did not bring up our baby, probably out of fear of making us uncomfortable. At times I brought it up, but felt awkward, and quickly stopped sharing. DH and I decided to do a private memorial for our son with just the two of us. We live out of state from our families and most of our friends, and its what felt right. At the time that we lost Baby S, we hadn't settled on a name- but had been calling him by a nickname, which we decided to make his name. That is who he was and is to us.

Of course my husb carries grief of our loss too, although he manages it much differently. We talk about our lost baby, but it's always me who brings it up. So over time, I find I bring him up to dh less and less. I began going to counseling immediately after our loss. My doctor recommended it right away, as he would with any patient, and he didn't need to convince me. I needed someone to talk to... someone who could hopefully help me ease my pain in a safe place where I could fully open up and cry.

It has been nice to have a therapist who is there to listen. Although, I noticed after the first few months, when the time came that we would start trying to conceive again, she seemed to shift the conversation away from baby loss. The focus became trying to get pregnant and is now about dealing with this pregnancy. My grief still comes up (when I bring it up), and my therapist will recognize yet only momentarily.

It's hard to share your grief, your love, your yearning for a baby that the world didn't get to meet. I know our family and friends were sad for us and for our baby, but their lives quickly moved on. Despite our best efforts to explain our experience, they will never know what it is like and they will never miss our baby like we do. And it's not their fault, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I sometimes wonder if anyone thinks of our lost child as an actual person who died. Do my siblings miss their unborn nephew? Do our parents think about their grandchild who they never got to meet? I'm not sure. Certainly they have thought of us. But no one knew our child. We did. Intimately. Despite the fact that we can't share memories of his birthdays, family trips etc. So we honor him on our own. Every day. In our hearts.

A new day and a baby pic :)

2010-03-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy at work and outside of work that I haven't had the chance to blog. Staying busy and somewhat distracted has been good for me though. And I'm still keeping up with you all on my blog reading!

So I breathed my way through those couple of days where I had been feeling anxious which I talked about in my last post. More than anything, I was just really missing Baby S. I am back to feeling good. Although I am enjoying pregnancy as much as possible, I suppose the occasional bad day(s) are inevitable. I very much appreciate the kind comments from the last post!

I suspect it won't be the last time anxiety sneaks up on me. When it does, I will try my best to observe the feeling without judgment and let it go as soon as possible. For the several few weeks I've been going to a prenatal yoga class once per week. It's actually a regular beginner's yoga class that is prenatal-friendly... there are one or two other pregnant ladies out of about 15-20 people. It's been great physically, for the stretching and strengthening, as well as for clearing the mind and creating a sense of balance.

We'll see if my anxiety gets tested in the next few weeks. So far I've seen my OB every two weeks for an ultrasound, and saw the RE every week for the first 3 months. My next appointment will be one whole month from my last one a week ago. At my next appointment I will be 28 weeks and will do the glucose test. At that point forward I will probably start kick charting. In the meantime, I've got my handy dandy doppler and have been feeling lots of movement.

In the meantime, I've been getting HUGE. By 5 1/2 months I had put on twice as much weight as I did with Baby S. At this point I'm already up 20 lbs (5 lbs are from the IVF meds). My appetite is non-stop. I don't eat a lot of food at once, but must snack as least every couple of hours. And suddenly I have a sweet tooth. Chocolate...yum.

Here's something that makes me smile, the baby boy in my belly :) (pic from a few weeks ago):

Anxiety: I spoke too soon

2010-03-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

So remember some of things that I said in my last post: "feeling at peace, anxiety being manageable, feeling the baby move every day"? Well, for the last two days all of that went out the window. My mind has shifted to worry, despite having no *real* cause for concern.

Perhaps it is this period of time during my pregnancy- my body's memory- that is naturally causing me to feel uneasy. Also, the little one- who was previously kindly doing daily karate kicks- decided to become very quiet. For a couple of days I felt little movement. THANK GOODNESS for my doppler.. I have been using it in the morning and again at night. I am greatly comforted by the sound of the baby's heartbeat. I'm not sure why the baby's punches are gentle, occasional nudges right now.. but they are they are there. And I know his heart is beating.

I suppose I spoke too soon about my anxiety. You never know what the next day will bring. For now I am walking around with a tightness in my chest. However, I plan to work it out with some prenatal yoga tonight.

Thank you for all of the words of support on my last post! I am confident that I will get past this rough patch and things will get easier in the coming weeks.

Week 21

2010-02-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

I just completed Week 21, which was the week that I lost baby S last year. This week had been hanging over me as the next milestone to be reached, and I was a bit anxious as it approached. I wasn't sure what I would feel like emotionally, but I anticipated there being some difficult emotions to deal with.

Surprisingly I did not feel quite as much anxiety as I expected. I thought that perhaps I would be feeling extremely nervous that the same mysterious event(s) that took my baby's life would happen again this week. Although I will not feel 100% confident with this pregnancy until I bring the baby home, I have come to terms with the fact that things are out of my control. And as a result, I have been feeling quite at peace these days. Of course I do obsess each day about whether or not the baby is moving, but overall so far my anxiety level has been manageable.

However, day one of this week hit me like a ton of bricks. That day I felt immensely, immensely sad. I cried and spent a lot of time reliving this time during the last pregnancy... what was I doing? What was I feeling? I thought about the red flags, things I said, things the doctors said... and of course ran through all of the maddening "what ifs." My sadness was in part for me, dh and the baby boy in my belly. It saddens me greatly that baby S is not here with us right now. I am also sad for baby S who is missing out on his life here with us. I miss him always, and have been especially missing him this week. My heart is heavy.

Baby S's little brother thankfully has been reminding me every day that he is here. I feel him the most in the evenings after dinner as I am relaxing on the couch. From this point on it will be unchartered territory for me with pregnancy, and I am looking forward to it.

Am I that person?

2010-02-17T10:27:00.001-08:00

Recently I attended a dinner party of all women, most of whom I don't know very well. The woman seated next to me (who I've met before) asked me, "so what's new with you?" As it would be awkward to not share my news (especially considering my belly had just started showing), I told her that I am pregnant. She congratulated me. The woman seated next to her overheard and turned her attention toward us to join the conversation. They both asked me a couple of questions, like how far along I am, and then conversation moved to another topic.

During our brief exchange and then for the rest of the dinner, I kept thinking about the second woman involved in the conversation. The thing is, I know from a mutual friend that she had an early miscarriage not long ago and I assume she is probably currently trying to get pregnant. When I was struggling with infertility, and especially after my baby loss, it was hard for me to see and be around pregnant women. It seemed liked everyone was pregnant, had an easy time getting pregnant, and had easy pregnancies. Did I now represent all of that to this woman?

Yesterday I had a second experience of wondering if I am that person...

A close friend of mine informed me that after learning she was pregnant a few days ago, she just found out that she lost the pregnancy. When I received her email, I called her and left a message. I told her all the things that I thought I should: "I am sorry to hear your news. I am thinking about you. Take care. I am here for you. Please call me when you are feeling up to it."

Then I also rambled on and said things like: "I know good things are in store for you SOON." My friend is 36, recently married and got pregnant immediately. Previously she wasn't sure what was in store for her. I wanted her to know it was a good thing that she was able to get pregnant and did so quickly. So I expressed that in the message in an attempt to be encouraging.

After I left the message, I regretted even bringing up anything that might possibly overshadow my condolences. She just experienced a loss and I should have just told her I am sorry, am here for her and left it at that. When I lost baby S, there were things that people said to me which at the time stung, even though I knew people mean well. Am I now that person who says such things? I am hoping that my attempt at looking at the positive did not overshadow letting her know that I am truly sorry to learn her news.

What I learned from all of this is that I should not assume that other pregnant ladies who appear blissful necessarily are. Who knows what they've been through? And when someone says something to me about babyloss or infertility, I just have to appreciate that they said something at all.

Sex of the baby revealed...

2010-02-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

We found out: the baby is a BOY!

Everything looked good at the 20 week ultrasound, which was performed by the perinatologist. At the start of the appointment, the nurse asked us if we suspected whether the baby is a girl or boy- and honestly we felt 50/50. With baby S, DH and felt very strongly from the moment we found out we were pregnant that he was a boy. Sadly we didn't have confirmation until we lost him, but we just knew it in our hearts. Knowing the sex gives us something more to celebrate and connect to. So far up until this point in the pregnancy we have had quite a bit of stress/worry. Now, despite the ever-present anxiety, I am slowly beginning to accept that this baby might actually be here in July. Both the perinatologist and my obgyn have been sensitive to our history. My ob made a point of expressing that he is confident about this pregnancy and is doing/saying whatever he can to put us at ease.

The appointment included a 4-D view of the baby, so we were able to get a *glimpse* of what he looks like. His nose and cheeks look like DH right now. From what I can tell he looks different than his brother, who resembled me in the nose and eyes.

Now that I am in week 20 I am thinking a lot about this exact time during my first pregnancy... Revisiting what I was doing, what thoughts were going through my mind, the devastating events that unfolded. Although I am celebrating this little one, I am missing baby S so strongly right now- just wishing he were here with us. I have run through the what-ifs endlessly over the past 14 months, slowly trying to be a peace with knowing I will never have the answer.

a new day

2010-02-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

After I posted my vent session yesterday, I felt ashamed for behaving like such a whiner. Thank you VERY much for the kind comments. What I appreciate so much about our blog world is it's the one place where we can be 100% honest and other people will get it. Or at least I will feel like I am not totally crazy. :) So thank you! You all are the best. And I did wake up with those thoughts out of my system.

On the baby front...

Tomorrow I reach 20 weeks! This means a number of things:
- I will have reached the half way mark
- I will get to see the baby on a 4-D ultrasound
- I will (hopefully) receive more good news that the anatomy looks good
Yay, yay, and yay!

I am trying to be aware of my anxiety as of late because it has certainly been on the rise as I approach week 20 and soon thereafter. It was around this time that whatever it was that went horribly wrong with baby S happened. I am hyper-sensitive to whether or not the baby is moving, even waking up in a half-sleep in the middle of the night. I think I will begin to use the doppler more proactively, like first thing in the morning (rather than waiting until moments like when the baby hasn't been moving for a while).

At the same time, I am trying to stay positive about all things related to this baby. I decided we needed some fun news so WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT THE SEX! Our appointment is just a couple of days away.

What do you think: boy or girl???

Stay tuned to find out!

Have a nice weekend everyone.

I need to vent

2010-02-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

First, I am going to preface this blog entry by expressing that I am truly grateful for the fact that I am pregnant right now. I truly am very grateful. Also, I am honestly happy for other people around me when they get pregnant too. I see pregnancy as a true blessing.

But despite the appreciation, I am a somewhat jaded person now. I will admit that. The past few years have worn on me. And I've connected with so many babylost mamas who have had difficult experiences and are still in the midst of them. Life is unfair and I know that. For the most part, I accept that fact. Other times, though, that fact simply frustrates me.

As a result, I get annoyed at times by things that I know should not bother me. For example, sometimes listening to others in their naive bliss...well, just aggravates me.

During the past few years that I was struggling to get pregnant and lost a baby, I've had many friends and coworkers get pregnant and experience seemingly easy pregnancies. I am sincerely happy for them that they do not have to experience the pain that babylost and struggling-to- conceive women go through. I honestly wouldn't wish either of those things on an enemy. But it sometimes makes the struggles that those of us go through feel so unfair when there are constant reminders about how painless and easy it could be.

For example, before I got pregnant the first time and had been trying to conceive for over a year and was undergoing fertility treatments- both my sister and my sister-in-law became pregnant at the same time. Both of them got pregnant on their second cycle and now have toddlers who are the only things both sides of my family have talked about for the past couple of years. I'm now on my third co-worker who got pregnant in about 2 seconds. In the past week and a half two of my best friends have announced their pregnancies- one on the first attempt and the other on the second.

Why is it that people who get pregnant immediately always seem to feel the need to announce how quick and easy it was???

It makes the rest of us feel broken! It's too much information. Really, we just don't need to know.

Also-- 5 of the 7 of the above-referenced women announced their pregnancies the MINUTE they found out. Who does that?? Apparently every one around me. And yet despite the fact that miscarriages are not uncommon in the first trimester, they don't seem to affect the women around around me.

I realize that I sound like an ungrateful brat, and I partially blame this bad mood that I'm in on hormones. haha :) Just kidding. I just needed to get that off my chest and trust this is a safe place to do it, where people understand the mixed emotions that come up at times and don't judge.

I know to let these things go, and eventually do rather quickly. But there are moments, like today when faced with this again, when I am stewing in irritation.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will be over it!

Letting go...

2010-02-08T17:13:00.000-08:00

In my last post I talked about some of the ways that I feel I've changed throughout the past few years of this journey. Some of my changes have been positive, and some not-so-good... Like the jadedness/bitterness that rears its ugly head from time to time. I recently read this about letting go and it really resonated with me...

"..just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls...

Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too...In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve."

The Different Me

2010-02-05T18:21:00.001-08:00

One does not experience infertility or baby loss and remain unchanged. The past few years have brought some high highs and some low lows for me. High points: getting pregnant two times. Low points: losing a baby, and many failed attempts at getting pregnant. The low points seem to be much more prolonged and complicated than the highs in my experience. The grief of losing my son has been a difficult, ongoing process. The months of trying to conceive were filled with frustration and disappointment.

I feel as though I have been stuck in one long transition period...from my former self... to a different version of me... and I'm not sure what I will be like by the time this baby arrives.

I've changed.

In some ways, I suppose I've changed for the better. I have faced challenges that my former self would have never thought I would overcome. I've gotten in touch with my inner strength and now feel that I have the ability to move mountains. I believe that as a parent I will love even stronger and will have an even greater appreciation of my family. Trivial things in life that I used to worry about now seem unimportant to me. I no longer care what people think. I focus more on taking care of myself.

Some of my changes have been negative, which concerns me. There is a residual bitterness that lingers with me. It's hard to explain, but I feel somewhat jaded from this journey... I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I have become a more private person, to the point of nearly shutting some people out. I feel more vulnerable and carry myself with less confidence. I am impatient when it comes to others' concerns, unless they are what I consider to be real issues.

At times I ponder my journey and wonder how I can use it to become an all around better me. When the day comes that I hold my baby in my arms, I know I will feel great joy. But will life still feel bittersweet? I suppose it might. For now, I will try my best to let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet.

Juxtapositions

2010-02-03T16:51:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or do you find yourself continuously dealing with mixed emotions??

Try as I might to focus on the joy, there seems to always be a contrasting emotion. For example:

Being able to feel the baby move a few times throughout the day....&....All the quiet time in between when I worry about whether the baby is still alive.

The relief of finally getting pregnant again....&....The inability to fully enjoy pregnancy.

Looking forward to having a baby....&....Knowing that his/her older brother is not here.

A colleague and a friend announcing news of their "accidental" pregnancies....&....Thoughts of my friends who are struggling with infertility.

Miscellaneous thoughts and updates...

2010-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

The results from the amnio are in and everything that was tested appears to be "normal." Whew!! A genetic counselor from my MFM's office called to let me know, and we will meet with our obgyn next week to go over the results more thoroughly.

Getting past the amnio is another milestone for me. I definitely appreciate knowing that the baby has the correct number of chromosomes, etc. However, my anxiety has not been focused on the possibility of a chromosomal abnormality. We lost our son last year at 21 weeks unexpectedly for unknown reasons. His heart stopped beating one day, and our doctors were not able to determine the cause. So the not knowing what happened is what bothers me. How do I know it can not happen again?

I've dopplered a couple of times now, on a as-needed basis, and am so glad I bought that thing. There have been a couple of days where I didn't feel any flutters and my mind began to worry. Both times I was able to find the "galloping horse" quickly. Thanks to those of you who recommended the monitor and provided me with helpful information!

In 2 weeks, I am planning a (much-needed) surprise weekend getaway for dh & me. It's going to be his birthday, Valentine's day, and we will have just reached 20 weeks. I am very much looking forward to some relaxation for both of us!

Amnio: check!

2010-01-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I completed my amnio. This appointment was one that I was not at all looking forward to. Yet I knew it was something that I should do. During the past couple of weeks, I tried not to think about the pending appointment because I was developing a sense of dread. Tuesday, the day the before the appointment, reality set in and I felt very nervous. I was not afraid of the possibility of pain- that I can handle. During pregnancy we do everything we can to protect our babies, and the thought of an invasive procedure (with a small risk attached to it) is one that probably most pregnant women are not too comfortable with. Before going to bed Tuesday night, I reminded myself that the purpose of having the procedure was to help this pregnancy and decided that for the baby's sake I had to be strong.

As it often happens in life, the anticipation turned out to be worse than the actual event. The doctor who performed the amnio is our MFM/Perinatologist, who is known to be the best in this city. He performs 2-3 amnios per day, and has been doing so for over 20 years. The genetic counselor pointed out the importance of this, versus going to someone who does one or two per month. I made sure to look away during the procedure and tried to visualize that I was on a beach in the tropics somewhere. (yeah, right!) The needle went in quickly and rather painlessly. The doctor informed me that I would feel some pressure (when he withdrew the fluid). The process was over in less than 5 minutes. Apparently the baby decided to squirm around after the needle was inserted, but the doctor quickly moved the needle out of the way.

I am currently concluding the last couple minutes of the 24 hours following the amnio. If something horrible were to go wrong, it likely would have during this timeframe. Light cramping and a feeling of pressure are normal side effects. The symptoms to watch out for are severe abdominal pain, fever/chills, or a large gush of fluid (i.e. water breaking). Now I have 24 more hours of bedrest, to be followed by a week of "taking it easy." In two weeks I will meet with my obgyn to go over the results.

Whew! Glad to be done with that part, and looking forward to/hoping for good results in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I am now at 16.5 weeks. During the past few days I have started to feel the occasional flutters of the baby moving. :)

To Doppler or Not To Doppler

2010-01-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

After much consideration, I have finally taken the plunge and purchased a doppler. I know it's really not a big deal, but it's a decision that I put a lot of thought into and delayed as long as possible. Part of me wanted to be able to transform myself into that pregnant woman who doesn't worry, whose mind would not question the well-being of their baby.

But, I lost the possibility of being that pregnant woman a year ago. Of course, at every moment I am grateful to be pregnant- yet it's going to take some work and more time for me to feel confident with this pregnancy.

The doppler should arrive in a few days. My husband believes that we will not know how to use the machine correctly and will end up in a panic not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. (Another reason why I didn't buy one sooner). However, I've promised myself that if I run into that scenario, I will remain calm and rational. :) I've read on other blogs that the doppler brings much needed comfort at times and I am really looking forward to that.

7 Things About Me

2010-01-09T14:29:00.001-08:00

The lovely Emi at The Lilly Pad kindly tagged me with this fun, little exercise.

The rules are simple: just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award...

1. My favorite thing to do is travel. I was bit by the travel bug early on, and there is nothing that I enjoy more than the adventure of experiencing a new place and learning about its culture. I've traveled on 5 of the 7 continents, and plan to visit the last two at some point.

2. I've always known that I wanted kids, but it wasn't until my early 30s after a couple years of marriage that I seriously started thinking about it. I never thought having a baby would be easy to accomplish, but I did not expect for the past 3 years to be so hard. Bringing a healthy baby into this world has become my top priority, and now I want nothing more to be a stay at home mom for a little while.

3. I will feel so blessed to have one child here on earth, and even more so if I am fortunate enough to eventually have another. Now that I've reached my mid 30s and have struggled with fertility issues, I hope but wonder if my dream will ever come true.

4. I grew up in the South and went to school in the West. Now I live in a big, crazy city where- try as I might- I do not feel at home.

5. My husband is such a wonderful person. Everyone who meets him adores him, and I think you would too. I am not sure how I got so lucky in that department, and it's amazing how he puts up with me sometimes. I am so grateful to have him as my life partner.

6. I love to cook (and eat for that matter!). I often spend Saturdays trying out new recipes. My preference is seafood, vegetarian and ethnic cuisines. I'm not a big sweets eater, but could easily devour a block of cheese.

7. The idea of starting a blog never occurred to me. I accidentally stumbled across a lostbabymama's blog while researching information. As much as I wish no of us were part of this club, I am so incredibly thankful to have discovered people who are dealing with infertility and/or baby loss who can relate. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and offering me your support!

Now, please play along (if you'd like)! I am interested in knowing more about each of you. So I am going to cheat..if you are reading this to consider yourself tagged!

The 2nd trimester begins!

2010-01-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

I've graduated from my RE. Yay! I am happy about this step, partly because the RE that I recently inherited was a moron. I am so glad to be returning to my obgyn who we like and who knows us.

As soon as my ob received my paperwork and learned that I was pregnant, he called to congratulate us and let us know he is optimistic. We've completed our first trimester screening with the perinatologist, who has the rolls-royce of ultrasound machines. We got to see our wee one wiggling around on a large flat screen tv screen- very cool. The nuchal fold looks fine, thankfully. Due to my history and age, they also had us meet with their genetic counselor.

The first trimester screening results point to us having to do an amnio. I was very much hoping this would not be the case, but we are mulling over the recommendation- which is also what my obgyn suggests. This is mainly because of my history of a 2nd trimester loss and largely because I am now 35 and have therefore reached "advanced maternal age". Ugh! Seriously, it's like crossing that cut-off age changes everything.

Of course no one likes the idea of a long needle being inserted into their pregnant belly. I am not that concerned about the discomfort or possible pain. What I worry about is the small risk associated with the procedure. The risk, however, is indeed small... 1/400, or .25%. I actually have a significantly higher risk of their being something wrong with the baby... 1/120.

In order to gain more information, I will likely move forward with the testing. I hope and pray that everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy. If for some reason there is information we should know, we would prefer to find out. I may feel this way due to the nature of the loss our son.. I went in for a normal visit and found out at 21 weeks he had died. It was like being hit by a truck. In addition, the cause was never determined. As a result, I can't help but worry somewhat that whatever it was could happen again.

I am happy have reached the second trimester. I'm also hoping that soon I will be able to breathe a little easier.

To a New Year

2009-12-31T11:53:00.000-08:00

For many of us, 2009 was supposed to be a good year. For me, it would have been my happiest. Sweet baby boy was due April 9th. Instead, we scattered his ashes in the ocean.

For all of us lostbabymamas and those struggling with infertility...here's to a new year of hope, possibilities and joy! I wish you all nothing but the best in 2010.

For me 2010 will be about forgiveness and letting go: forgiving myself for losing my child, and letting go of the bitterness that (for various reasons) tends to rear its ugly head.

I've finally taken the time to figure out how to scan and upload a photo on my blog homepage. (I know, not the world's biggest accomplishment- but I'm not too tech savvy over here! :) But I'm learning).

The ultrasound photo was taken at his 20 week scan... everything looked perfect. However, his heart stopped beating days later- we will never know why.

The footprints are the only tangible item that I have of my son's. At times they look so small- yet they always serve as proof, evidence that he was indeed a human life who existed and mattered.

Thinking of You

2009-12-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

This week I was reading another lostbabymama's blog, when my dear husb asked, "What's wrong?? You look upset." Clearly my face was mirroring my heartache at what I read...

The blog entry asked for prayers for the blogger's friend who had just lost her baby on Dec. 16th, at 21 weeks. I lost my son just one day earlier last year, at the same gestational age.

My heart breaks for this woman, who has just entered a world that no parent wants to know. Although she's a stranger, I grieved for this mother. Now a lostbabymama, she is where I was at this time last year. It's a dark place- and it's not an easy journey that lies ahead.

Throughout the past year I have done a lot of grieving- for my sweet boy, for myself, for my dh. My thoughts are often with the moms of lost babies, and those women who are struggling to create a family. This holiday season I am counting my blessings. But my heart is truly with the other members of the baby loss and infertility clubs. I'm sending out prayers for strength and goodness in each of our journeys.

Today

2009-12-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

One year ago today my sweet boy grew his angel wings, and my heart broke into pieces. It has been a long year as my heart has slowly been mending.. a part of me will always be missing.

I love you, son.
I miss you so much.
I would give anything to hold you in my arms.

You would be eight and a half months old now, crawling around like crazy. What would you look like today? What kind of personality would you have?

Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I see glimpes in my mind's eye of you here with me. During my walks I picture you snuggled into your bjorn with me. I look at your dad and envision you sitting on his lap. I walk past your room and imagine you in a crib.

The things that I used to enjoy the most in life are not the same without you here.

You may not be here with us on earth..but you will always be on my mind and in my heart, my sweet, sweet boy. I love you always.

1st trimester screening

2009-12-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

In a few days I have an appointment with a perinatologist for first trimester screening. This is something that my new RE suggested that I did not have done in my last pregnancy. He said he recommends that his patients get first trimester screening as a way to obtain more information on the pregnancy.. although I'm not sure if he meant he recommends this to ALL of his patients- or just those who've had previous problems with pregnancy.

The perinatologist that he referred us to is actually the same doctor who performed my 20 week ultrasound last year (standard procedure at my obgyn). Apparently the appointment should last about 2 hours and will include blood tests and genetic counseling. A big part of the appointment will be gathering information to decide if we should do further testing (CVS or amnio). For a couple of reasons I suspect they may suggest doing testing: 1) I am now 35 :( and 2) because of my second trimester loss. As the appointment gets closer I am starting to get nervous. The main things that I am afraid of happening are:

- discovering that I am a carrier of some genetic abnormality that might affect all of my pregnancies
- that there is something wrong with the baby
- having to decide about CVS and amnio (both of which are invasive and in an ideal world I would prefer not to do either)

I am also feeling ambivalent about the appointment in general. On the one hand, I want to have as much information as possible about the pregnancy. On the other hand, any reassurance just feels like false hope. One year ago the same doctor performed a 20 week ultrasound/screening on my son and everything looked perfect. One week later he was dead- for unknown reasons.

I would love to hear from someone who has been through first trimester screening or testing. Has anyone reading this done CVS or amnio?

My new RE is a MORON

2009-12-02T16:23:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has experienced baby loss or infertility knows that well-meaning people sometimes say really dumb things that inadvertently sting us. I could rattle off a number of them that I've heard, like: "relax and you will get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with your baby if he died." Initially these types of comments would upset me (to the point of tears at times). Then a wise friend- who has dealt with more than her fair share of crap in life- reminded me that it takes courage to say anything at all to someone who is going through a difficult time. There is truth to that. So now when I hear such naive statements, I try to quickly let it go.

I had to put this letting-go notion into practice the last time that I saw my new RE (who I inherited a few weeks ago after my beloved doctor abruptly moved out of state). At my first visit I had to get him up to speed on my background because he had not read my file. I understood, I suppose, because he is probably swamped and just inherited me as a patient.

BUT THEN...

At the end of my second appointment as we were leaving, he asked: "Did they ever find out what happened with that thing?"

Um.... Do you mean my baby? My child? My son? The human life I created? Really-- "That thing?" WOW.

This man is a reproductive endocrinologist! Surely he should be better versed with appropriate terms to use. I mean, he could have just stopped at "Did they ever find out what happened?" Not to mention I reviewed at our initial visit that unfortunately despite all the testing we will never know what happened.

One more reason for me to hope and pray that everything goes well the next few weeks: to move on from this doc soon. Sadly too, my nurse coordinator for the past 6 months who I also loved was laid-off. The importance of our care providers can not be overstated. Not only are our health and pregnancies in their hands, but they become a bit more than that to us.. They represent support, safety, and hope.

Sex drive M.I.A.

2009-11-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

My sex drive is missing in action. Has anyone seen it? Actually it's been gone for quite some time now, ever since the stress of ttc set in. The other day I jokingly made a comment to my husb, referring to a couple of years ago as being "back when I had a sex drive." It's true. I feel like from the moment that I encountered infertility my sexual desire was hijacked. First sex became an effort to make a baby. Soon thereafter came surgeries, fertility medications, injections, IUIs, a dead baby, IVF. The truth is, I really miss having a normal sex life. I miss having sex simply just for fun and to express my love for my dh. But it's tough to feel excited about sex when I don't feel good about my body and I don't feel all that great about myself. I struggle with feeling as though my body has let me down in the utmost way- by failing to keep my baby alive. And it's tough to feel good about my self amidst feelings of disappointment, anxiety, worry, etc.

CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)

Tis the season

2009-11-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

As holiday time has arrived I am finding myself with mixed emotions. There are many things that I am thankful for: the little life that is forming inside of me, my dh who is amazing, the support that I am finding in this community of mothers, the five and a half months that I was blessed with my baby boy. I am really trying to overlook the pain and sadness that I experienced from losing my son and instead trying to remember that he still is a gift to me. He has taught me to love stronger, to have courage in the face of darkness, and to never take life for granted. I am a better mother because of him. For the first few months following his death, I could not think of my baby boy without feeling utter despair. Eventually I have come to realize that he would not want me to focus on the loss of him, but rather focus on truly living.

I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating...it was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.

Hanging on!

2009-11-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Our wee one is hanging on! We went back this week for a follow-up ultrasound after our little scare and things are looking good. The doctor concluded that perhaps the embryo had taken a couple of days to implant, so the first ultrasound may have been done a little too early. Whew- we are so relieved!

DH and I had been feeling uneasy so we decided that we would both visualize a positive outcome. So for the past several days when I would start to feel nervous, I would picture seeing a vivid heart beat on the ultrasound screen. After we were able to breath a little better, DH told me what he had been visualizing and I thought this was so funny.... He was imagining a baby holding on to the roof of the uterus, dangling there during a storm- which then passed and all was calm.

It's still only 7 1/2 weeks, but I am feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead focusing on reaching the second trimester as my first milestone, I am going to celebrate that I have achieved my first milestone- getting pregnant. :)

WORRIED!

2009-11-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my six week appointment. I received my first ultrasound, and it did not go as well as we had hoped.

First off, before I get to why I'm worried, let me recap why the appointment was off to a bad start...Upon arriving at my RE's office we learned that she no longer works there! Apparently she moved across the country for family reasons and supposedly sent a letter out to all of her patients a couple of weeks ago. I was just in her office 2 weeks ago and there was no mention of this. Anyway, I know that's life- it's her job, I'm just her patient. But I can not help but feel disappointed. So I've inherited a new doc and he's inherited me. And he is not someone who I would have chosen. Moving on...

The doctor was able to confirm that there is one pregnancy that implanted. However, we did not see the heartbeat that we hoped for. Initially the scan showed no sign of life. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat, " he flatly stated. My heart sunk. After searching for some time longer and maneuvering the wand around, he was eventually able to detect a very faint flicker of a heartbeat. So either the tiny life inside of me is already fading away, or it's developing slowly. I'm hoping with everything I've got that it's the latter and that everything turns out ok. It is still early after all. Although with our son we saw a strong, vivid heartbeat at six weeks (and he didn't make it to six months gestation). I can't help but feel nervous. I know there is nothing I can do about it and I'm clinging on to hope, yet I am scared. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.

I have received a few comments and want to say thank you for lending me some kindness and support!

Looking back...

2009-10-29T11:00:00.001-07:00

It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.

Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.

This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.

Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.

positive news :)

2009-10-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

I received the results of my beta- and I'm pregnant! I was hopeful waiting on the news but was also bracing myself for more disappointment. My RE called me to give me the news. Immediately I felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me. It has been a roller coaster of a journey and it feels like there's so much at stake with IVF.

On top of feeling relieved, I am of course am happy. But I can help but also feel nervous. I'm nervous that I won't make it through the first trimester. And I'm nervous about after that. I'm afraid of more loss. I am afraid of my body letting me down again.

However, I can't think about these worries. I must focus on the happy part and remain optimistic. For now, I am trying to stay preoccupied until my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

My utmost gratitude to the universe for a BFP. I am truly so grateful.

Waiting on Beta

2009-10-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting on the results on my beta. I am hopeful, but extremely nervous. I can not even bear to think about anything other than good news. The waiting went by rather quickly this time, as I made a point to stay very distracted at all times. It wasn't until last night that the nervousness set it.

Praying for a positive.

Lighting a candle

2009-10-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today, October 15th, marks pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. This is a day that I was not aware of a year ago, but now- it will always be a day I remember.

Today- like each and every day- I think of my perfect baby boy..whose nose was mine, lips like his father.. whose precious life stopped at just 21 weeks gestation. I will always remember you my dear son. I miss you more than words can say and wish more than anything in the world that you were with us today.

Today, like most days, I think too of the many mothers out there who have endured the loss of a pregnancy or infant. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

So tonight, I light a candle in honor of our babies. May they never be forgotten.

Embryo Transfer

2009-10-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

6 of the 11 eggs retrieved fertilized and we were scheduled for a day 3 transfer, which took place yesterday. 3 of the eggs only grew to 2 cells and were deemed likely to be arresting in development. The other 3 developed to 8, 6, and 4 cells. The doctor recommended transferring all 3, and we instantly agreed. Transferring 2-3 eggs is what is recommended for my age (35). And we want to increase our chances as much as possible.

DH and I were feeling hopeful and optimistic yesterday. He is convinced this is it. I am praying for a pregnancy, or more than one. So for now, we wait.

Today a little bit of fear crept in. What if this doesn't work? I was hoping that we would have had extra embies to freeze just in case. My mind also wanders to the fear of another loss.

However, I must immediately get these thoughts out of my mind and embody positive thoughts and energy...

Stick, my sweet little embies, please stick!!

Harvest Time

2009-10-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

My egg retrieval was this morning. First let me back track to the 2 days leading up to it. I was incredibly bloated and uncomfortable- it felt as though my ovaries were about to burst! I was also a complete emotional mess too, on the verge of tears at all times. In fact, I broke down yesterday morning at work. :( Not good. Perhaps it was a build up of the last couple of years of this emotional roller coaster coupled with being super hormonal and anxious about the ER.

I am so relieved to be done with this step! It really wasn't too bad. I feel a slightly crampy and tired today but am taking it easy and am resting.

They were able to retrieve 11 eggs- which is a little better than I expected. Apparently a few of the smaller eggies were able to mature enough over the last couple of days.

So now I wait to until tomorrow to find out how many fertilized and how they are looking.

Come on eggies, fertilize! :)

On pins and needles

2009-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

I started my first-- and hopefully only-- IVF cycle about 9 days ago. The weekend before the process was to begin I felt a bit bummed. Perhaps it was a combination of disappointment that I haven't conceived naturally, combined with some dread of all the needles.

When I picked up my big bag of uber-expensive viles, needles and meds I instantly felt overwhelmed. Immediately when I returned home I removed the excess packaging that the various products came in and sorted them on my dining table. I felt better having organized them and laid them out. I also began to feel much more optimistic knowing I was able to make an effort towards getting pregnant. One of the most difficult aspects over the past several months has been the months where I have had to just wait.

The doctor prescribed injections of 3 Bravelle and 1 Menapur per day. When I opened the needle the first night that I was to start the injections, I was amazed that the needle was much longer than I anticipated. I swore my nurse coordinator told me it was small, similar to the gonarelex during IUIs. I decided that I couldn't inject the long needle into myself and had my DH do it instead. The shot was uncomfortable, but oh well.

On the 3rd night though, the injection was VERY painful. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I thought this can't be right. Sure enough it turns out I had been given the wrong needle by the pharmacy! The correct needle is only 1 inch. Thank God! From that point on I've been doing my own injections with no problems.

Hi Blogosphere! I'm here!

2009-10-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I've been a blog slacker. I mean a big one. I started this blog several weeks ago yet still haven't taken the time to post it within the community that I'm aiming to connect with...the amazing women who have stories and struggles similar to mine...the very people who I recently discovered who bring me strength, and who I would like to support along their journeys. It has brought me comfort knowing that I am not alone in the many emotions experienced from infertility and second trimester loss. But until I commit to blogging, how will they even know I am here? My blog goal for this week is to: 1) update the thing! 2) post it on the babylossdirectory.

So pissed- another cyst!

2009-09-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Two days ago my nurse coordinator called and let me know the general timeline for our first IVF cycle which would begin this month. My cycle started yesterday, so my embryo retrieval would be on approx. Oct 5th, and embryo transfer approx October 10th. It felt good learning what to expect and to know we are moving forward!

BUT THEN...

I went to the RE today for my cycle day 3 check. My left ovary looked good. However, my right has a big fat cyst!! I am PISSED. I've sat out two months already because of these buggers. But those were the result of the meds. I wasn't on any meds this time- this big fat jerk just decided to show up on its own!

Yet another curve ball. I am waiting for the results of my blood draw and to hear back from my doc on our revised plan.

On the brink

2009-08-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

After losing our baby, we were advised to wait a few months before ttc. DH and I decided that we would return to the RE. We were familiar with the IUI process and wanted the focused care. In March 2009 we did IUI #1, with Clomid. The result: BFN. I also developed cysts due to the meds. So, I was put on birth control to shrink the cysts and would have to skip a month ttc. Our doctor recommended doing injectibles for the second round and we were game for that. We thought this was it- the pg test would be positive. I felt pregnant. I even threw-up randomly one morning. Apparently it was from the progesterone because attempt #2 resulted in another BFN and again, cysts. We would have to wait out the next month. Sigh. IUI #3 was scheduled for July. Third time's a charm, right!? Wrong. BFN!

After the third failed IUI last month a wave of defeat swept over me. Two years of ttc, the monthly roller coasters, the loss of our child, and all the poking and prodding caught up with me. My RE informed me that after 3 failed IUIs, it was time to reevaluate our plan. We could try one more IUI. However, she noted a couple of factors: a) my age... I just turned the dreaded 35 and b) my FSH level has gone up over the past year and is now at a level of concern.

Last week I had a saline sonogram to examine my uterine cavity to check to see if the polyps had grown back. Thankfully, they have not. DH and I were on the fence about whether to try another IUI or move on to IVF. RE gentled nudged us towards the IVF. So now I wait for my next cycle, which should start in a couple of weeks, to begin the process...

O goodness: GRIEF

2009-08-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

In December 2008, our baby was stillborn at 21 weeks. Like approximately 50% of those who suffer the loss of a child due to stillbirth, despite a battery of tests we may never know the reason for our loss.

Anyone who has lost a baby knows what a difficult, seemingly lonely grief it can be. We knew and loved our baby intimately. In an instant, our baby was taken from us- and we don't know why. Our hopes and dreams were shattered. Our hearts broke into pieces.

DH and I clung to each other in our grief. He tended to me during the horrible three days in the hospital, and during my recovery after. He was deeply saddened. I was a complete mess. Our friends and family shared their condolences and offered support.

Losing a child is difficult on so many levels. My child will live forever in my heart. And the grief I carry lurks just below the surface. But I forge ahead. Every day I forge ahead. And we continue our quest to have a family.

Darkest Hour

2009-08-23T19:19:00.001-07:00

Our 21 week appointment began with our doctor reviewing the positive results from our 4-D with the perinatologist. Everything looked perfect, he told us. He would only do the doppler monitor today and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Bummer, I said. We were hoping to see the baby.

As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.

Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.

The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.

Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.

Our baby was gone.

irrationalizing rational fear

2009-08-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

Following our Thanksgiving trip, our lives resumed to their normal busy routines. A week after the trip, it dawned on me for a moment that I had not felt the baby moving around much. Granted, it had not been long since I had first started feeling the flutters to begin with. I had friends who had freaked out over their babies not moving and everything turned out fine. I told myself that I was not going to obsess about this and be that crazy mom. In passing though I mentioned the lack of movement to my mom, who assured me that the baby was probably napping as babies do. I also told my sister in conversation, who said she had a similar experience while she was pregnant with her now three week old baby. So this is a common irrational thought had by pregnant ladies, I concluded. When I told my husband, he suggested that if I were concerned that I should call the doctor. But I had an appointment scheduled in just a couple of days. We felt confident that everything was ok. So I put the fear out of my head.

A few days later I was on the way to my appointment when my sister rang. We were on our way to say hi to our baby, I told her. Saying hi to our healthy baby while watching him/her move around on the sono is all I thought we were going to do.

our happy holiday

2009-08-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

In late September 2008 at 3 months pg, we shared the news with our families and friends. They were delighted. My parents and close friends knew of our ttc and my subsequent surgery. Neither of our families had grandchildren yet. However, both my sister and dh's brother were each expecting babies in early November. As a side note, my sister is one year older than I and we are close. I was happy for them, not only because she is my sis, but they also faced their own challenge ttc. My SIL on the other hand is a self-absored person who has also felt the need to repeatedly state that she got pg on her second try. And they weren't even married.

Anyhoo...

In November my cute little bump was showing and I felt great. The Friday before Thanksgiving week we had our 20 week appointment, a 4-D ultrasound done by a perinatologist. This was standard procedure in my ob's practice. It was amazing to see our baby in 4-D! We had decided that we were not going to find out the baby's sex. We loved our baby whether he or she was a boy or girl. We wanted it to be a surprise. On that day we saw all of the perfect little parts that made up our beautiful baby. His/her arms, legs, fingers and toes. We even saw our baby's face! He/she had my nose and dh's lips. All of his/her organs were functioning properly. Everything looked great. We were so so happy.

We spent the following week back home, visiting with family and friends for Thanksgiving. We had a lot to be thankful for and enjoyed celebrating this time with those closest to us. As I laid in bed Thanksgiving morning, dh put his hand on my baby bump as he did each day and we would talk to our sweet baby. The baby was active, and on that morning gave a swift kick to the exact spot where my husband had laid his hand. We both felt it strongly. It were as though he/she was saying hello back to us.

My first pregnancy

2009-08-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

For the first three months of our pregnancy, dh and I told no one. We planned to wait until we hit the end of the first trimester mark- the supposed safety zone. We were excited, yet wanted to remain calm during those initial weeks. (Of course few friends picked up on our news when I wasn't drinking at social events, but didn't acknowledge it to us until later). To my surprise, at my 8 week appointment, my RE said "congratulations! you've graduated." What? I thought we couldn't feel confident about this pregnancy until after the first trimester was over. She explained that there was a less than 9% chance of miscarriage after 8 weeks. No more RE appointments. I had graduated on to my obgyn. Off I went with my the "graduation gift" that they gave to me, a baby bib and spoon.

The pregnancy proceeded in the coming weeks as normal. I was tired and nauseous, but that felt like a small price to pay for the miracle growing inside of me. At 11 weeks I had a brief scare, which turned out to be ok. During a pee break at work I saw blood. Not a lot. But a bright red quarter-sized spot. Now I knew blood was not something that you want to see when you are pg. So I called my RE immediately. It was 5:00 on a Friday so I got the doctor on call. She informed me not to worry unless the bleeding persisted heavily. In that case, I could be having a miscarriage. The bleeding ceased for a day. Then on Saturday night, the bleeding returned including some clotting. In the middle of the night, with visitors sleeping soundly in our guest room, dh and I went to the ER.

I prayed that our baby was ok, but at the same time braced myself for bad news. The nurse did a sono, while I gripped dh's hand...The tiny heartbeat was still there. I cried tears of relief. Our little baby had hung on. And I wanted nothing more than to bring this baby who we loved into this world.

Welcome to My Uterus

2009-08-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I set out on my journey to have a baby. I was 33 years old, had been married for five years, and I felt it was time to begin trying. Having a family was something that I always knew I wanted. However my dear husb and I wanted to be married for a few years first, during which time we were both focused on our careers.

I was 32 when the burning desire to have a baby began. Friends all around me were having babies. I figured I had waited long enough, and did not want to wait any longer.. I did not want to be an older mom. Hopefully I would pop out a couple of kids within the next few years. Then life got in the way... a move across the country, new jobs- and suddenly a year had gone by with the urge to conceive gnawing at me all the while.

So when I turned 33, I wanted a baby pronto. I did not expect to get pregnant right off the bat. But after several months of ttc to no avail, I became a bit concerned. I had also noticed light spotting during the middle of my cycle. My OB referred me to an reproductive endocrinologist. A saline sonogram followed by an HSG showed two pretty good sized uterine polyps. One was situated near the top of my uterus, possibly blocking my fallopian tubes. Having excess uterine tissue could also potentially prevent implantation. I opted to have the polyps surgically removed.

At that point a year of ttc had gone by. A work-up of both me and my DH looked good. We were ready, and anxious. So, we proceeded with an IUI accompanied by Clomid. My body responded well, and a couple of weeks later we delighted to discovered that it had worked... I was pregnant!

Recap of My Journey Thus Far

2009-08-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

This is one woman's tale of trying to conceive. My story unfolds with a few high highs and some very low lows. The happy ending has not yet been reached. This blog was created as path to meet up with other travelers along their journey to destination family.