The 2nd trimester begins!

I've graduated from my RE. Yay! I am happy about this step, partly because the RE that I recently inherited was a moron. I am so glad to be returning to my obgyn who we like and who knows us.

As soon as my ob received my paperwork and learned that I was pregnant, he called to congratulate us and let us know he is optimistic. We've completed our first trimester screening with the perinatologist, who has the rolls-royce of ultrasound machines. We got to see our wee one wiggling around on a large flat screen tv screen- very cool. The nuchal fold looks fine, thankfully. Due to my history and age, they also had us meet with their genetic counselor.

The first trimester screening results point to us having to do an amnio. I was very much hoping this would not be the case, but we are mulling over the recommendation- which is also what my obgyn suggests. This is mainly because of my history of a 2nd trimester loss and largely because I am now 35 and have therefore reached "advanced maternal age". Ugh! Seriously, it's like crossing that cut-off age changes everything.

Of course no one likes the idea of a long needle being inserted into their pregnant belly. I am not that concerned about the discomfort or possible pain. What I worry about is the small risk associated with the procedure. The risk, however, is indeed small... 1/400, or .25%. I actually have a significantly higher risk of their being something wrong with the baby... 1/120.

In order to gain more information, I will likely move forward with the testing. I hope and pray that everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy. If for some reason there is information we should know, we would prefer to find out. I may feel this way due to the nature of the loss our son.. I went in for a normal visit and found out at 21 weeks he had died. It was like being hit by a truck. In addition, the cause was never determined. As a result, I can't help but worry somewhat that whatever it was could happen again.

I am happy have reached the second trimester. I'm also hoping that soon I will be able to breathe a little easier.

To a New Year

For many of us, 2009 was supposed to be a good year. For me, it would have been my happiest. Sweet baby boy was due April 9th. Instead, we scattered his ashes in the ocean.

For all of us lostbabymamas and those struggling with infertility...here's to a new year of hope, possibilities and joy! I wish you all nothing but the best in 2010.

For me 2010 will be about forgiveness and letting go: forgiving myself for losing my child, and letting go of the bitterness that (for various reasons) tends to rear its ugly head.

I've finally taken the time to figure out how to scan and upload a photo on my blog homepage. (I know, not the world's biggest accomplishment- but I'm not too tech savvy over here! :) But I'm learning).

The ultrasound photo was taken at his 20 week scan... everything looked perfect. However, his heart stopped beating days later- we will never know why.

The footprints are the only tangible item that I have of my son's. At times they look so small- yet they always serve as proof, evidence that he was indeed a human life who existed and mattered.

Thinking of You

This week I was reading another lostbabymama's blog, when my dear husb asked, "What's wrong?? You look upset." Clearly my face was mirroring my heartache at what I read...

The blog entry asked for prayers for the blogger's friend who had just lost her baby on Dec. 16th, at 21 weeks. I lost my son just one day earlier last year, at the same gestational age.

My heart breaks for this woman, who has just entered a world that no parent wants to know. Although she's a stranger, I grieved for this mother. Now a lostbabymama, she is where I was at this time last year. It's a dark place- and it's not an easy journey that lies ahead.

Throughout the past year I have done a lot of grieving- for my sweet boy, for myself, for my dh. My thoughts are often with the moms of lost babies, and those women who are struggling to create a family. This holiday season I am counting my blessings. But my heart is truly with the other members of the baby loss and infertility clubs. I'm sending out prayers for strength and goodness in each of our journeys.

Today

One year ago today my sweet boy grew his angel wings, and my heart broke into pieces. It has been a long year as my heart has slowly been mending.. a part of me will always be missing.

I love you, son.
I miss you so much.
I would give anything to hold you in my arms.

You would be eight and a half months old now, crawling around like crazy. What would you look like today? What kind of personality would you have?

Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I see glimpes in my mind's eye of you here with me. During my walks I picture you snuggled into your bjorn with me. I look at your dad and envision you sitting on his lap. I walk past your room and imagine you in a crib.

The things that I used to enjoy the most in life are not the same without you here.

You may not be here with us on earth..but you will always be on my mind and in my heart, my sweet, sweet boy. I love you always.

1st trimester screening

In a few days I have an appointment with a perinatologist for first trimester screening. This is something that my new RE suggested that I did not have done in my last pregnancy. He said he recommends that his patients get first trimester screening as a way to obtain more information on the pregnancy.. although I'm not sure if he meant he recommends this to ALL of his patients- or just those who've had previous problems with pregnancy.

The perinatologist that he referred us to is actually the same doctor who performed my 20 week ultrasound last year (standard procedure at my obgyn). Apparently the appointment should last about 2 hours and will include blood tests and genetic counseling. A big part of the appointment will be gathering information to decide if we should do further testing (CVS or amnio). For a couple of reasons I suspect they may suggest doing testing: 1) I am now 35 :( and 2) because of my second trimester loss. As the appointment gets closer I am starting to get nervous. The main things that I am afraid of happening are:

- discovering that I am a carrier of some genetic abnormality that might affect all of my pregnancies
- that there is something wrong with the baby
- having to decide about CVS and amnio (both of which are invasive and in an ideal world I would prefer not to do either)

I am also feeling ambivalent about the appointment in general. On the one hand, I want to have as much information as possible about the pregnancy. On the other hand, any reassurance just feels like false hope. One year ago the same doctor performed a 20 week ultrasound/screening on my son and everything looked perfect. One week later he was dead- for unknown reasons.

I would love to hear from someone who has been through first trimester screening or testing. Has anyone reading this done CVS or amnio?

My new RE is a MORON

Anyone who has experienced baby loss or infertility knows that well-meaning people sometimes say really dumb things that inadvertently sting us. I could rattle off a number of them that I've heard, like: "relax and you will get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with your baby if he died." Initially these types of comments would upset me (to the point of tears at times). Then a wise friend- who has dealt with more than her fair share of crap in life- reminded me that it takes courage to say anything at all to someone who is going through a difficult time. There is truth to that. So now when I hear such naive statements, I try to quickly let it go.



I had to put this letting-go notion into practice the last time that I saw my new RE (who I inherited a few weeks ago after my beloved doctor abruptly moved out of state). At my first visit I had to get him up to speed on my background because he had not read my file. I understood, I suppose, because he is probably swamped and just inherited me as a patient.



BUT THEN...



At the end of my second appointment as we were leaving, he asked: "Did they ever find out what happened with that thing?"



Um.... Do you mean my baby? My child? My son? The human life I created? Really-- "That thing?" WOW.



This man is a reproductive endocrinologist! Surely he should be better versed with appropriate terms to use. I mean, he could have just stopped at "Did they ever find out what happened?" Not to mention I reviewed at our initial visit that unfortunately despite all the testing we will never know what happened.



One more reason for me to hope and pray that everything goes well the next few weeks: to move on from this doc soon. Sadly too, my nurse coordinator for the past 6 months who I also loved was laid-off. The importance of our care providers can not be overstated. Not only are our health and pregnancies in their hands, but they become a bit more than that to us.. They represent support, safety, and hope.

Sex drive M.I.A.

My sex drive is missing in action. Has anyone seen it? Actually it's been gone for quite some time now, ever since the stress of ttc set in. The other day I jokingly made a comment to my husb, referring to a couple of years ago as being "back when I had a sex drive." It's true. I feel like from the moment that I encountered infertility my sexual desire was hijacked. First sex became an effort to make a baby. Soon thereafter came surgeries, fertility medications, injections, IUIs, a dead baby, IVF. The truth is, I really miss having a normal sex life. I miss having sex simply just for fun and to express my love for my dh. But it's tough to feel excited about sex when I don't feel good about my body and I don't feel all that great about myself. I struggle with feeling as though my body has let me down in the utmost way- by failing to keep my baby alive. And it's tough to feel good about my self amidst feelings of disappointment, anxiety, worry, etc.

CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)